5 things I've learned about horses that fantasy writers should keep in mind

[truepenny]

Diana Wynne Jones famously deduced that the horses of Fantasyland are vegetative bicycles. Here are some ways that real horses are anything but:

1. Horses are very large animals. This is something that you can know in the abstract, as we all do, and still be taken aback by when interacting with an actual horse. Horses take up space. Their heads are massive chunks of bone. Even when they're being affectionate, they're still a good eight to ten times larger than a human being, and they are proportionately stronger.

My perspective on large dogs has completely changed after two years of dressage lessons.

1a. Corrollary: horses have very large, hard, heavy, inflexible feet. Obviously, if one steps on you, it's going to hurt. But even a glancing accidental blow is likely to leave bruises. As I was bringing Milo in the other night, my foot happened to get in the way of his. (See above re: horses take up a lot of space.) Entirely accidental on both sides. And I ended up with a welt on my heel where the edge of his hoof hit me.

2. Horses are, on average, thousand pound herbivores. This means their digestive systems have to keep on trucking pretty much constantly. Which is to say, they are poop machines. And you want them to be. A horse who isn't pooping regularly (by
which I mean several times a day) is a horse who is in trouble.

Also, and I'm sorry to burst the bubble of everyone who grew up with My Little Ponies*, horses fart. Noxiously. A lot.

3. Horses are also thousand pound prey animals. They do not think like human beings. They also do not think like cats or dogs. Even a very calm, sensible horse is going to spook, and he's going to spook at things that make no sense. Milo is in general unflappable, but he has spooked, for no apparent reason, at tree stumps, a wood pile, and an elderly VW. (He's also spooked at the barn cat, but I can kind of see his point there. She did emerge from under the bench quite suddenly, so we'll ignore the fact that she's at best 1/100th of his size.) He's also spooked at himself.

4. Horses are creatures with opinions. The are, for instance, herd animals. A solitary horse is an unhappy horse. They will try to follow each other pretty much automatically, which can be awkward for their riders. Take away their pasture mate(s), and they're going to be distressed. They're likely to call for their absent friends. (One of the horses at the barn screams.) And in general, if they don't like something, they will find a way to let you know.

5. A horse's primary means of interacting with the world is her mouth. (Hard, heavy, inflexible feet, remember?) Anything that isn't a threat is likely to be something that needs to be tasted. Also, horses are opportunistc and greedy (see above re: the needs of their digestive systems). Anything that can be tasted, will be tasted. And eaten if possible.

To sum up: horses have presence. They take up space in the world. They are intensely biological. They have opinions (often very inconvenient ones). And they have needs, both physical and emotional. They get bored. They get scared. They get lonely. They are the farthest thing from vegetative bicycles you can imagine.


---
*Completely OT, but can I just say how utterly creeped out I am by how thin My Little Ponies have gotten? (Compare the first link, which is current MLP, to the second two, which are '80s MLP.) I mean, seriously, Hasbro, WTF? They're PONIES, not heroin-chic fashion models. FEED THEM.

Comments

[jhetley.livejournal.com]

I have, so far, managed to keep horses to a passing minimum in my books. Last time I actually rode one was over 50 years ago, and even I can spot some of the howlers in fiction. I know I'd screw up writing them.

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I have the same frustrations with how people portray snakes, of all things. And wolves, though people are getting so much better about that. Although I think neither have been so grossly . . . can I say "de-personified" about an animal? . . . in the way the horse has been. Vegetative bicycles, indeed.

Anytime you want to share more horse stuff with those of us who don't ever get to be around them, that would be fantastic. This is much appreciated.

Last time I was around horses, I was struck by the taking up space thing in a visceral way that I do not recall from my childhood, possibly because as a child you are used to everything in the world being so much larger than you. And the thing about the farts? Honeymoon, carriage ride, draft horse . . . oh, lord, we were trying so hard not to laugh constantly that we couldn't even hold hands. I don't think he stopped farting for more than ten seconds at a time. I hope he was okay, I really don't know enough about horses to say. It did not kill the romance of the honeymoon, but it killed the romance of The Horse.

[aishabintjamil.livejournal.com]

And on the topic of farting/pooping, in my horse, the farting mechanism was distinctly connected the back feet - as in, you pick the back foot to clean it out, and the tail automatically started to lift. On a good day it was just for a fart. On a bad day I needed to work very fast to avoid dropping the foot suddenly as I dodge a steaming pile of post-processed hay, which of course he promptly stepped back onto, making the job of finishing the hoof that much more joyous.

You've probably seen Judith Tarr's book, Writing Horses: The Fine Art of Getting It Right. If not, you might find it interesting. Lately I've also started subscribing to this S. A. Bolich's blog (http://blog.sabolichbooks.com/), in which she delves into various aspects of horses useful to a writer in some depth.

[cailleuch.livejournal.com]

Horses can come in many sizes and some can be very large. My first interaction (as a small child) was with draft horses on my grandfather's farm. Big black Belgian guys When I sat on them I was way off the ground.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Yes, horses are large. I worked as a hot walker (walking race horses around and around the stables to cool them off) very briefly, and a horse knocked a woman out by accidentally(?) hitting her forehead with his chin.

On the other hand, there was only one horse which could actually step on my feet. Somehow, I was able to dodge my feet away from the others. I have no idea (see above) whether the horse was doing it on purpose, or whether I was just better at catching the timing for the others.

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

Horses have this very odd sense of humor as well. Think middle school fart jokes with a wry twist. If they can do something to slime a human, innocently dump a human without losing their own cool, or otherwise make humans or other creatures (cats, dogs, other horses....) look silly, they will.

Also, mature alpha mares Have Very Strong Opinions On How The Herd Runs. This extends to the operation of a boarding barn.

[marycatelli]

My heroes tend to be pedestrians for just that reason.

Unless I can have the horses enchanted like nobody's business. That also eliminates some of the problems.

[marycatelli]

There's some interesting stuff about horses here:
blog.bookviewcafe.com/category/animals/horses/

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

Yes. I got a wet horse muzzle to the back of the neck Thursday night. And I know he thinks that was hilarious.

[sheldrake.livejournal.com]

Argh, the new MLPs - what the *hell*? I'm a little surprised at my distress, as I was a horrific toy snob and also horse snob as a child, and refused to have anything to do with them. I considered my Sindy horses to be far superior, just because they weren't pink. But now I feel all sort of protective of the My Little Ponies, oh dear! *has strange episode*

[casacorona.livejournal.com]

Also 5(a): if it can't be eaten, knock it over, carry it around, use it to scare another horse, or, if an Evil Gelding, take it apart.

I can't leave anything within Cai's reach.

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is so incredibly awesome! Thank you!

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

Also, horses smell. They smell different ways at different times, but they do not come in an 'unscented' variety.
They are also very interested in How Things Smell; it's part of their survival mechanism suite.

They also eat a lot

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Which is probably why they never poop on TV or in movies -- they never eat there either.

[hippoiathanatoi.livejournal.com]

Yikes, those new My Little Ponies are horrible.

My "favourite" part of the horse hoof & human foot problem is that whenever I get stepped on, it seems whoever the guilty horse is just has to _lean in_ as if to squish the unevenness under his or her hoof...

The general lack of knowledge of how horses function was made very plain by a Swedish journalist after popular vote gave one of our yearly awards for athletic achievements to a show jumper. He complained that it wasn't fair, the award should have gone to the horse because the rider just sits there while the horse does all the work.

Now, while the horse certainly deserved an award too, the journalist in question was promptly challenged to get on a horse and jump a course. He did accept to get on a horse and get led over a few rails, after which he admitted that maybe riding wasn't quite so easy.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_swallow/]

This was really interesting, thank you!

[eglantine-br.livejournal.com]

Thank you, this is very useful and helpful. Makes me want to hug a horse!

[finnyb.livejournal.com]

I loved the original MLPs (and, at age 30, still collect them). All the others, not so much. The only reason I like the current Friendship is Magic line of them is because I like the TV show and the characters, not because I like the toys or designs. The originals were so much better!

And this post is so right! (Man, do I ever miss riding! Not sure how to go about doing so in the middle of Calgary, Alberta, though, especially since we're dependent on public transit.)

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Subcorollary to the constant digestive action: flies. Flies flies flies FLIES FLIES. FLIIIIIIIIIIIIES. Everywhere, for about 100yds surrounding the stable. Oh god the flies.

Or maybe that's just here.

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

I live in the country, and the folks next door have nine horses. I have two Great Pyrenees pups, not quite a year old. My dogs LOVE running down to the paddock to eat horse poop. The horses just completely ignore these 90 pound puppies barreling through the paddock fighting over the choicest piles. But the pups? They're constantly astonished at the sheer size of the horses. They'll go running under the barbed wire and come up full stop next to a horse and just gawp at them. It's rather hilarious.

[casacorona.livejournal.com]

All mammals smell. Our current human obsession with not smelling is a weird cultural aberration. Horses not only smell, each horse smells different. And each horse smells different in different circumstances. Basic horse, hot horse, wet horse, sick horse. If I were suddenly struck blind, I could distinguish my horses by their scent.

[ladysmith.livejournal.com]

A friend who owned a horse told me a story once. I seems that there was, for some reason, a saddle thrown over the top rail of a fence. It had been there for a few days, and she and the horse had gone past it several times. Until the last day, when suddenly this became the HORSE-EATING SADDLE OF DOOM!!!

[doesi.livejournal.com]

As a fantasy writer, I've decided to simply do away with horses. Which means a lot of walking... or riding goats.

The characters can literally whine all they want about having to walk from one end of a continent to another.

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

I think the new MLP cartoon is fantastic, but the actual toys freak me out a little bit. I'm slowly reclaiming my extensive 80's-era MLP collection from my mom's house, and they're so cute and chunky and sweet-faced, not tiny little big-eyed things.

I've been away from horses for a while now, and have recently been just wanting to go groom some horses for a few hours. I miss the smell and the solid weight and the way a happy horse will sort of grunt and lean on you.

[mastadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Pyrenees are optimized for sheep. Horses are a bit out of their weight class. They'll learn, though.

[trebor1415.livejournal.com]

Mary C,

But, "My heros have always been pedastrians" doesn't have the same ring when sung.

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Both the dogs and the horses are actually really good with each other. They just look, then ignore and go about their business.

My boys will learn to work goats.

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

>They take up space in the world. They are intensely biological. They have opinions (often very inconvenient ones). And they have needs, both physical and emotional. They get bored. They get scared. They get lonely.

I read this out to my partner, the horse person, and he says this applies to men as well. And the farting, while we're on the subject.

[akirlu.livejournal.com]

Horses are very large animals.

And the ones bred for carrying people wearing serious armor are bigger still. When I learned to ride I usually got stuck on the bomb-proof half-draft gelding with the bone shattering trot. He stepped on me once -- toe did not break thanks to the sawdust and manure under foot, but I was bruised for weeks.

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

There are a minority of mouthy mares who like to take things apart. My Sparkle mare was one such...though what she really liked to do was take a coat, blanket, deer hide, what have you, and spread it out on the ground. She untied knots, opened gates...only secure gate around her was something secured with a snap that she couldn't undo.

Mocha has a thing about knocking over cones. She aims for them. It can be rather frustrating when you're trying to school around them and the horse underneath you is determined that the Cone Must Go Over. Especially when she can achieve her goal rather slyly by a simple two-track cut a wee bit too close..."Oh? You wanted me to go around that cone? Sorry."

Oh. And then there's the horsey conviction that certain creatures (especially cows) are Lower Life Forms and Must Be Herded. Always.

[girlpunksamurai.livejournal.com]

I agree; write what you know

I know nothing about horses. Nada. Zilch. Nanie mo nie. Ergo, you'll not find one horse in my books, except for maybe as a dialogue piece.

I also won't be putting, say, astrology in my books. For much the same reason. As a urban fantasy writer, I understand the need for letting imagination fill in the gaps, but I also believe that the gaps shouldn't be larger than what flotsam's through Rick Santorum's brain.

I was such a My Little Pony fangirl

[shevabree.livejournal.com]

I would give both little toes to have my 80s My Little Pony collection back. I even saved up horseshoe points to get one of the very first baby ponies.... But no... I made the horrible mistake of giving my MLP's to my ungrateful bratty little sisters. I thought they would love them as I had loved them. No. They were all destroyed. I am 38 and I still miss those Pony's.

On Thud and Blunder

[woolysw.livejournal.com]

Thank you. An excellent equine extension to On Thud and Blunder (On Thud and Blunder), which is a great lecture on why you have to learn all those piddle little details before you can write well (although Anderson uses the analogy "writers who've had no personal experience with horses tend to think of them as a kind of sports car. 'Tain't so." instead of yours and bicycles)..

[calanthe-b.livejournal.com]

Nope, it's here too. And probably worse, given our summer weather. :)

[anef.livejournal.com]

The other thing that some fantasy authors seem to ignore is how far a horse can go in a day and how much rest it needs.

[clhollandwriter]

The last I saw of my My Little Ponies they were being taken away at a car boot sale, in a black bin bag. I wish I'd kept a couple.

And yes, the new ones are disturbing.

[mizchalmers.livejournal.com]

"each horse smells different."

Oh my God, a world of this. And you fall in love with a horse for the same reason you fall in love with a human: they smell right. They smell like someone you can trust.

And when they die, you miss that particular smell for ever.

[delazan.livejournal.com]

As much as I like horses and know that they are beautiful and noble beings, horses don't like me.

Seriously.

I've been in so many horse accidents in my life, that I decided that horses will not exist in my fictional world. Not only that, a person will die in a horse accident back on Earth in the novel series.

That's just the way these things happen.

-L.

[mithriltabby]

When a Shire horse stepped on my foot, I was astonished that I wasn't injured, not even a bruise. I chalked it up to the fact that the shod part of the hoof missed me entirely, that my riding boot spread out the force, and that a hoof the size of a dinner plate can spread the weight around.

[seattlesparks.livejournal.com]

I hate washing my riding jacket, because it makes it stop smelling like Deb. The scent makes me happy even when I am not at the barn.

*waves fan banner*

[estara.livejournal.com]

ACtually, Judith Tarr turned all of that blog series into a full book with even more examples and pictures and links - Writing Horses. (http://www.bookviewcafe.com/index.php/Tarr-Writing-Horses)

How far can a horse travel in a day? What does a horse eat? When is a brown horse really a sorrel (or a bay, or a dun)? What do tack and withers and canter mean?

In this long-awaited and much-requested book based on her “Horseblog” at Book View Café, author and horse breeder Judith Tarr answers these questions and many more. She looks at horses from the perspective of the writer whose book or story needs them as anything from basic transport to major plot device, and provides definitions, explanations, and links and references for further research--leavened with insight into the world of the horse and the humans who both use and serve him.

How fast can a horse run? What happens when a foal is born? How have humans and horses evolved together over the millennia? And above all, what mistakes do writers most often make when writing about horses, and how can the educated writer avoid them?

Here is a guide to the fine art of getting it right.

Support the Lipizzans ^^ - a FYI public service announcement

[estara.livejournal.com]

First of all, this!

Second of all, for writers who want to get it right but don't have time and money to have a horse, Judith Tarr did an excellent number of essays at BVC which she then collected and expanded and has made available as a DRM-free ebook in various formats - Writing Horses (http://www.bookviewcafe.com/index.php/Tarr-Writing-Horses). Considering she owns a herd of Lipizzans I don't doubt her qualifications, not to mention that she makes the information easy to read - like this post was ^^.

If you don't have an ebook reader, Calibre (http://calibre-ebook.com/) would help with reading there.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

And when they die, you miss that particular smell for ever.

I wish we were more culturally allowed to say that about our dogs, too. And, um. My grandpa. Because you can describe the combination of aftershave and whatever, and people will go, oh, yeah, I miss that sort of thing. But if you're like, nope, not that, just how he smelled, our culture is all, "Your family has a stench? How uncouth you are!"

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Heh. My dog likes to wake me up with an unexpected sliming, too. So funny! :P

[fleetfootmike.livejournal.com]

Nice piece.

To which I'd add, just having written a series of articles on painting horses for wargamers, "working horses are mostly bay".