bookkeeping and an explosion
May. 20th, 2003 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
truepennyDL(2) Ch. 5: 43 words
Other work accomplished: Read and integrated three articles into smorgasbord chapter of dis.
Verdict: Fuck it.
Comments: Lousy day for writing. I have a terrible time with visualizing settings, and this one is complicated and important, and I just can't see it. And then I just got email from my dissertation director about my dis. introduction, which basically says, It's lovely, but you're going to have to give in and ACTUALLY DO THE GODDAMN WORK. (This is not at all what she said, because she is a good human being and would never say such a thing to a student. But reading between the lines of what she did say, and translating into my particular vituperative vernacular, that's what it comes out as.) I hate this. I hate this dissertation. I hate the hoops I have to jump through. I hate the fact that there's these standards that nobody can tell me what they are, but they'll be happy to tell me when I haven't met them. I hate the amount of time that jumping through the hoops is going to take me. And I hate the fact that I perceive them as hoops when I ought to be perceiving them as opportunities. I'm so fucking frustrated with the PROCESS now, I just want to hit something.
***BALROG***
Other work accomplished: Read and integrated three articles into smorgasbord chapter of dis.
Verdict: Fuck it.
Comments: Lousy day for writing. I have a terrible time with visualizing settings, and this one is complicated and important, and I just can't see it. And then I just got email from my dissertation director about my dis. introduction, which basically says, It's lovely, but you're going to have to give in and ACTUALLY DO THE GODDAMN WORK. (This is not at all what she said, because she is a good human being and would never say such a thing to a student. But reading between the lines of what she did say, and translating into my particular vituperative vernacular, that's what it comes out as.) I hate this. I hate this dissertation. I hate the hoops I have to jump through. I hate the fact that there's these standards that nobody can tell me what they are, but they'll be happy to tell me when I haven't met them. I hate the amount of time that jumping through the hoops is going to take me. And I hate the fact that I perceive them as hoops when I ought to be perceiving them as opportunities. I'm so fucking frustrated with the PROCESS now, I just want to hit something.
***BALROG***
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-21 11:10 am (UTC)I know exactly why I'm doing this. It's not perhaps a terribly good reason, but it's MY reason, and I'm not confused about it. There are days when it feels less adequate than others, but I know if I don't finish this, get the damn degree, achieve closure, it's going to remain this perpetual unscratchable itch, and that would be even more annoying than this, hard though it is to believe. I would LIKE for my reasons to be more idealistic, intellectual, yada yada, but they just aren't.
So, yes, my excessive complaining is entirely unjustified. I did this to myself. I can put it down and walk away, and the fact that I don't is my fault, not anyone else's.
Which doesn't stop me from occasionally needing to vent.