The Ones Who Walk Away from the West and the Sea

[truepenny]

He looks at the ship and says, "I don't deserve this."

They all stare at him: the tall fair people, the wizard, his friends. "Nonsense, my boy," the wizard says, making a good recovery. "Of course you do. You wouldn't be here if you didn't."

"No," he says, more certain now. "It's not . . . right."

They don't understand him. The tall fair people mostly look bored, a little offended. "You won't get a second chance," warns one of them--he can't tell them apart anymore. His friends are distressed. "But you have to, sir," says one--he has a hard time telling them apart sometimes, too. "You've been so ill."

"Yes, I know. You think I'm dying. But if that's true, isn't this a cheat?"

The tall fair people are definitely offended now. The wizard drags him aside, fingers as gnarled and hard as oak doubtless leaving bruises. "Speak a little fairer, my friend," the wizard advises in a grim whisper.

"I don't mean it's a cheat for them," he protests. "It's their ship. But if I'm dying, shouldn't I have the courage and the honesty to, well, die? And if I'm not dying . . ."

The wizard raises bushy eyebrows. "If?"

"Why should I get to escape being tired and in pain and lonely?"

"You--"

"I failed," he says levelly. "You know that as well as I do. That the quest succeeded is ultimately a happy accident, nothing more. I do not deserve this gift."

"Perhaps it isn't a question of deserving," the wizard suggests.

"Oh, but it is. It's my reward for doing a job none of you wanted." He laughs, bitterly, at the expression on the wizard's face. "Did you really think I didn't know? That that's exactly what it is? My reward for madness and pain and failure. And you know something? Even if I do deserve it, I don't want it. Let one of them"--with a wave at his friends, clustered anxiously on the shore--"go. Any one of them deserves it more than I."

"You are ill."

"It hasn't killed me yet."

"What are you going to do?"

For the first time in--weeks? months? years? He can't remember how long it's been since he last smiled, and the expression is achingly unfamiliar on his face. He says truthfully, almost joyfully, "I have absolutely no bloody idea."

And he turns and walks away.

Comments

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm....I never got the impression that Frodo (or Bilbo or Sam or Gimli) were going West to live forever. My impression was always that they would still eventually die. Just that there would be no more pain and suffering for them.

I can't say for sure because it's been far too long since I've read Tolkien's letters and such, but I don't think he intended it to be a "get away from Death free card" situation, either. More that it was an opportunity for those few given the gift to go West to live the rest of their lives in peace, with no pain.

[kate_nepveu]

I think the whole point of the downfall of Nuemenor is that being undying is a matter of species not location.

I was puzzled by this too, but on second read I interpreted the "if I'm dying" as referring to a curable illness, not the general condition of mortality.