Aubade (scored for four cats and two bipeds): A Play in One Act

[truepenny]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
The Cats
THE PAPER-MUNCHING YALAPAPPUS: a.k.a. the Elder Statescat
FIRST AND SECOND NINJAS: formerly feral sisters
CATZILLA: a.k.a Bossycat, who is now about eight months old

The Bipeds
mirrorthaw
truepenny

THE SCENE
Mirrorthaw and Truepenny's bedroom. Important furniture includes THE BED (center stage and the location of much of the action), THE SCRATCHING POST (stage right), and THE VANITY (upstage left), which, like every other horizontal surface in Mirrorthaw and Truepenny's house, is covered with clutter, including in this case a bright yellow plastic bag Truepenny brought home from Worldcon. There are also a number of bookcases in the room, and a tobacco stand and a filing cabinet serving as nightstands.

[The curtain rises to reveal Mirrothaw and Truepenny sleeping at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning. The Yalapappus is also on the bed.]

[Production note: Both bipeds are slow to wake, and are not morning people.]

YALAPAPPUS: [sleeping]

CATZILLA: [from the vanity] Dude! Check out this TOTALLY AWESOME plastic bag!

MIRRORTHAW AND TRUEPENNY: wtf? Oh.

MIRRORTHAW: [gets up and removes Catzilla from vanity]

[An interval for reflection. Mirrorthaw and Truepenny try to get back to sleep.]

CATZILLA: [from the vanity] Dude! Check out this TOTALLY AWESOME plastic bag!

TRUEPENNY: [gets up and removes Catzilla from vanity]

FIRST NINJA: [from the scratching post] La la la just sharpening my claws. I'm a predator, you know, and I could kill you. If I wanted to. La.

YALAPAPPUS: [sleeping]

CATZILLA: [from the vanity] Dude! Check out this TOTALLY AWESOME plastic bag!

TRUEPENNY: [gets up and removes Catzilla from vanity]

SECOND NINJA: [appearing on nightstand] Ooh, hey, bipeds! Hey, are you awake?

CATZILLA: [attacking Yalapappus] Dude! I'm like WAY TOUGHER than you!

YALAPAPPUS: Eh? What?

CATZILLA: Dude! C'mon! Get with the PROGRAM!

YALAPAPPUS: [shakes Catzilla off, glares at Truepenny] This is all your fault, you know. You let it in the house.

CATZILLA: [bats at First Ninja from top of scratching post] Dude, I'm like WAY UPPER than you!

FIRST NINJA: Oh please.

SECOND NINJA: Hey, are you bipeds awake or not?

CATZILLA: [from the vanity] Dude! Check out this TOTALLY AWESOME plastic bag!

TRUEPENNY: [gets up and removes Catzilla from vanity]

CATZILLA: [in Mirrorthaw's face] Hey! Dude! You like me, right? I mean, I'm like cute and everything, right?

SECOND NINJA: [stalking down the bed] Bored now.

CATZILLA: [pouncing on Second Ninja] Dude! I'm like WAY TOUGHER than you!

SECOND NINJA: [pinned under Catzilla] This. Is. Really. Uncomfortable.

CATZILLA: Dude! I'm kicking your ass! I RULE! Also, I seekritly think you're hot.

SECOND NINJA: EWWW!!! BOY GERMS!!! Get OFF me!!!

[Production note: Both Catzilla and the Second Ninja were fixed long before they would have reached sexual maturity.]

[Exit Second Ninja, across Truepenny]

TRUEPENNY: [examines long bleeding scratch across right shin] Ow.

SECOND NINJA: [balefully, from doorway] You SUCK.

CATZILLA: I win! Dude!

MIRRORTHAW: [sighs]

TRUEPENNY: [sighs]

[Mirrorthaw and Truepenny get up.]

ALL FOUR CATS: [brightly] So, since you're up anyway . . . how about breakfast?

TRUEPENNY: No. I want a bath.

[Mirrorthaw heads downstairs.]

CATZILLA: [from the vanity] Dude! Check out this TOTALLY AWESOME plastic bag!

TRUEPENNY: [removes Catzilla from vanity]

CURTAIN

Comments

[aeriedraconia.livejournal.com]

*laughing lots* I love it!
Good Morning!

I started to get trounced by catses at 4:40 this morning, you have my sympathy.
I know a couple of cats who won't be sleeping today at my house. *evil grin*

[meijhen.livejournal.com]

ROFL!
Sounds completely like my house...except my three terrors usually seem to pull this stunt at 3 AM. Oh, and it generally involves something wet and nasty that I step in when I get out of bed.
And the miserable little furballs sit on the dresser and LAUGH at me, I swear they do!

Insanity is....

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

And yet you keep adding more.

Thank you!

[dakiwiboid.livejournal.com]

I've just bellowed with laughter!

[heresluck]

I love that I can tell which Ninja Kitten is which from the dialogue alone.

(Eeee! Bi-PED!)

[stillsostrange.livejournal.com]

Yours let you sleep till nine? Let's swap.

[malinaldarose.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've seen that one....

[mithriltabby]

Does Catzilla like licking plastic bags? Both Cleo and Yeti enjoy that, for reasons I have yet to fathom.

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

I was once told that the manufacturers of plastic bags use some kind of fish-based oil to reduce their propensity to cling to each other. Hence the propensity of some cats to lick them.

Since I can no longer remember the provenance of this data point, it, um, may or may not be true. But, hey, at least it's plausible!

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

That would be the plastic bags' propensity to cling to each other, not the propensity of the manufacturers of plastic bags.

I know nothing about the propensities of the manufacturers of plastic bags.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[poshlil.livejournal.com]

Bahahaha. That has actually brightened my morning up considerably. :D Thankyou!

I have a Charlotte you (or Catzilla) may like. She's quite a fan of awesome plastic bags as well...

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

::laughs like a loon::

I think you should give in to Destiny and let Catzilla have the yellow bag.

[allaboutm-e.livejournal.com]

:: applauds with empathy ::

[kaffrithe.livejournal.com]

Both Singer and Ghost are fans of awesome plastic bags as well. But they have to be the crinkly kind to be awesome. Singer and Catzilla sound like two of a kind. We have to sleep with the bedroom door closed, as Singer will otherwise pin someone's arm to the mattress all night, and Ghost loves warm-blooded furniture of the chest variety...

Thank you for the morning humor. I now have the "Dude!" quote on my whiteboard. It makes me smile!