A cautionary tale

[truepenny]

So, basically, all I want out of a toothbrush is that it will clean my teeth. I have no brand loyalty, I don't care about fancy bristles or contours, I just want a goddamn toothbrush so my teeth don't rot and fall out of my head. Okay?

I went to brush my teeth this morning and noticed that my toothbrush looked like a dandelion clock. Aha! says I. The last time I was at Walgreens, I thought to purchase a new toothbrush. So I fished it out of the bag where it was reposing with the cough drops . . . and discovered that the manufacturer felt it necessary to package the toothbrush so impregnably that it required scissors to get at it. No, really, they say so themselves: CUT HERE. And you can scrabble at the package with your fingernails as much as you want--you ain't getting in.

I found a pair of scissors and cut the package open. WIKTORY! THE TOOTHBRUSH IS MINE! Threw the package away, turned toward the sink, and thought, Why am I suddenly in a cloud of artificial mint?

I looked suspiciously at the toothbrush.

It was all blue and green and contours! and fancy bristles! because you can't buy a toothbrush at Walgreens that isn't, and I just went for the cheapest one that wasn't some eye-wateringly awful color because I really do have better things to do with my time than comparison-shop the toothbrushes.

And, yes, it smelled of artificial mint. Strongly of artificial mint.

I turned back to the wastebasket and fished out the package. And here I quote, because I could not possibly make this up:

SCOPE® Scented Handle
Enhances brushing
experience through
release of fresh Scope®
scent from the handle.

o.O said I. And also O.o

But I needed to brush my teeth and the goddamn toothbrush was already in my hand.

I've never thought particularly about my brushing experience before, but I have to tell you that it is not in the least enhanced by the release of Scope® scent from the handle of my toothbrush. Frankly, I feel disturbed. And weirdly disenfranchised from my own dental hygiene. And like a tiny army has invaded my head wielding weapons soaked in artificial mint.

O.o I say. And also o.O

But this is apparently what you get if you don't stand in the aisle of Walgreens and read the packaging of the toothbrushes.

Here, mintily, endeth the lesson.

Comments

[redbird]

Oh, dear. Flavored floss is bad enough, but at least that's clearly labeled (and the unflavored floss is labeled as such). Scented toothbrush handles are beyond the pale.

[rchan.livejournal.com]

Just so you know, this made me laugh so hard I cried a little. And now my cat is looking at me funny.

*snerts*

It was worth it. ^_^

[kirby-crow.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of those little Listerine "Pocketpaks". They're breath mints that look like little pieces of tape and you pop one in your mouth and your nose practically gets blown off by the rush. Not pleasant in the least. >.

[eglantine-br.livejournal.com]

So you end up getting mint all over your hands? Not enhancing, if you need to rub your eye!

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

No, it's got this weird little Scope® scented plaque--it's not the whole handle.

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

That sounds truly atrocious.

FWIW, Whole Paycheck and similar are great places to pick up toothbrushes with happily scent-free gimmicks. Mine gets sent back to the manufacturer to be recycled into more toothbrushes; don't think too hard about that when brushing and you'll be fine.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

So I understand why people feel the need to do New! And! Improved versions of things that you don't have to buy new ones of, because they are trying to get you to buy new ones of those anyway. But toothbrushes! You have to buy new ones anyway! They will come out as dandelion clocks sooner or later! You will have no choice! What has the cheap one to recommend it? It is cheap. This is enough selling point. It need not be cheap and stinky. Cheap is enough. So stop making with the stinky!

Also I really want somebody to start making Old And Unimproved labels for things so that people know that things are just like they left them, because this is a selling point, dammit.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Also I really want somebody to start making Old And Unimproved labels for things so that people know that things are just like they left them, because this is a selling point, dammit.

AMEN.

[faunhaert.livejournal.com]

hmm maybe "reliable" or original design?

its amazing what people seem to insist others
should want to buy.

i really think my dogs should not smell like baby powder,
that smell reeks as cat litter too.
spoze minty fresh cat litter is on their list too

grumble

[auriaephiala.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes!

There are some things that are, in fact, just fine the way they are. And adding scents? You might think they would remember this could seriously injure some people.

[wabbitseason.livejournal.com]

I laughed reading this and then I was in the grocery store and came across scented nail polish. That struck me as equally odd. Why do I want my fingers to smell like strawberries and peach?

[kayefierch.livejournal.com]

SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME, HOLY CRAP. I thought for a second that maybe they meant there was... Scope embedded into the bristles somehow, like the disposable toothbrushes they have at dentist' offices, but then I realized no. I did kind of get a kick out of the scratch and sniff wrapper, though.

[marycatelli]

I tend to buy three or four at a time because they, after all, keep, and then I don't have to eyeball what the heck they have put on them this time.

[sallymn.livejournal.com]

I had no idea my, err, brushing experience needed enhancing...

But I LOVE the fact that someone sat down and thought this up :)

[fjm.livejournal.com]

Always go for the three for two offers of a make you like.

[heresluck]

...this is one of those moments where I'm rather sad I'm no longer there, because I would have liked to hear the indignant squawk.

[amber-fool.livejournal.com]

I've switched to an electric toothbrush, partly because I hated looking for a plain toothbrush so much. I have a small mouth. Once upon a time, you could buy small, adult toothbrushes. Some time in the last 5 years or so, the toothbrush makers felt we all got bigger mouths and didn't need the small ones. And I didn't particularly want a Dora the Explorer toothbrush...

[girlpunksamurai.livejournal.com]

"Master, when will I be ready to endure the first, great trial?"

My master gave me a long, steady look. "It is not a trial for novices; it is a trial of endurance that assaults the nose, the mouth, and the eyes."

"But master, I have trained long and hard; I have learned to regulate my breathing so that all the air will be leaving my body and my eyes will be closed at the crucial time of the trial."

"Foolishness! You think you are ready to handle the hardship? You think the potency of the mint won't force your eyes open and slide down your throat and cause you to gag? Such arrogance is typical of youth today. The answer is no."

"But master-"

"No buts; for now, you must brush using the free brushes they give you at the dentist after you get your teeth cleaned."

/end. Sorry, I got inspired :]