Plus and minus

[truepenny]

Plus: New bread pans! One of my old ones has gone from non-stick to stick, so it was clearly time. And these are very pretty. And red! I'm very curious to find out what the loaves they produce are like.

Minus: I've figured out why I'm not getting any writing done. It's because every time I go to work on something, some part of my brain says, quietly but very emphatically, This is a stupid story.

Now, rationally, I know that's not true. The stories I'm trying to work on right now are neither more nor less stupid than any of the forty-some stories I've published--which is to say: No, they aren't stupid. But knowing that and feeling it are two different things. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, because it's a really neat piece of self-sabotage: not only does it make working on stories seem pointless, but it makes asking anyone else for help seem equally pointless. What can they do except tell you it's stupid?

I suspect this is partly fallout from having Ace dump me last year--and although Tor was very careful and kind and explicit about the fact that they love my writing and want to publish me, it still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch to know that my career is so fucked up that the only way to do it is to give up my name. I know that it's not a judgment on me as a person, or on me as a writer, but I can't help the fact that it feels like one. And that, in turn, makes it hard to have any confidence in my stories.

So, yeah. If anybody needs me, I'll be over here fainting in coils.

Comments

[pixel39.livejournal.com]

Ace are jerks.

Oh, yeah.

[inizitu.livejournal.com]

This, too.

Warning: Unsolicited Pep Talk

[inizitu.livejournal.com]

Dear Sarah's Brain-

DUDE. She has FANS. Of her writing. And you are interfering with us getting our fix, so knock it off, so we can get the next book.

Love,
Sarah's Fan's

=)

More seriously: My brain does the same damn thing, pretty much whenever I try to do anything. My brain can't be reasoned with either.

It sucks. I'm sorry. Does it help to know a nosy internet stranger/slavering fangirl has faith that you'll get through it?

Or, maybe thinking about Kate Elliot will help?

Anyway, I wanted to say something, because I both empathize and sympathize. Plus, I rather selfishly want to read whatever you come up with next. =)

Good luck to you!

Re: Warning: Unsolicited Pep Talk

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Or, maybe thinking about Kate Elliot will help?

Was that a similar thing, unable to sell under her real name? (Alis Rasmussen, right?)

There's also Robin Hobb (Megan Lindholm) (who will be here (well, at the UW)) reading & signing in a couple of weeks. The book I most want signed? Wizard of the Pigeons.

And seconding the memo to your brain, that there are fans here wanting to read what you write!

Re: Warning: Unsolicited Pep Talk

[inizitu.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Kate Elliot went on to sell like hotcakes under her pen name. Which, from the look of the bookstore shelves, is also true of Robin Hobb/Megan Lindholm.

I was hoping that would be encouraging. I find it encouraging. =)

Re: Warning: Unsolicited Pep Talk

[theladymoon.livejournal.com]

(Briefly, for lack of anything more interesting or wise to say) I second that

[clhollandwriter]

Minus: I've figured out why I'm not getting any writing done. It's because every time I go to work on something, some part of my brain says, quietly but very emphatically, This is a stupid story.

I know how you feel, I get this all the time (having it at the moment, in fact) - without the justification of having been dumped by a publisher.

The only thing I can suggest is to take that inner voice, shove it in a mental cupboard, and tell yourself (out loud if necessary) "first drafts are allowed to be stupid". Sometimes it's not about not sucking, it's about telling/fooling yourself that you don't care if it sucks.

I find that when I get to the end things generally don't suck as much as my inner-killjoy thought they did. :)

[clhollandwriter]

I forgot to say:
With regards to the name thing, if it's any comfort, unless Tor explicitly ban you from mentioning "and I'm also Sarah Monette" when you write under a new name, your fans will still know who you are. And we'll read your new persona because you're also Sarah Monette, not in spite of it.

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Your stories aren't any stupider than mine.

[torrilin.livejournal.com]

I keep reading your LJ, even tho I didn't love the Doctrine of the Labyrinth. You're a damn entertaining writer, even if the big thing you published wasn't my thing.

Can so write.

[malinaldarose.livejournal.com]

If it makes any difference, this Random Internet Person has not yet read one of your stories that was not fabulous.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Your stories aren't stupid. I get bored easily, and I've never ever been bored by your stories. Sometimes I stop in the middle of one to reread a paragraph because it's so beautifully dense and layered.

[stephanieburgis.livejournal.com]

This entry made such a huge impression on me, partly because it resonated so much with how I've been feeling lately and some of the issues I've been struggling with...but mostly because I was so mind-boggled to see you struggling with the same kinds of issues.

I love your stories (both short stories and novels) so, so much, and as a reader, I can't wait to read any new ones you write. (You're the only short story writer out there right now whose stories I RUN to read as soon as they're published.) As a writer, I just wanted to thank you for posting so honestly about this, because the fact that you're struggling with the same issues as me made me really re-evaluate how objective and unbiased my own negative perceptions about my stories are right now.

If that makes any sense. (Sorry, that last paragraph got kind of convoluted.)

But basically: thank you for posting this. And please know that lots and lots of people love your stories and can't wait for more of them.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

It doesn't matter if they're stupid, you should write them anyway. Probably nobody else will notice.

[casacorona.livejournal.com]

What Jo said.

[coffeeem.livejournal.com]

Nah. Because they're only stupid to the critical Resident Editor in the brain, and there will be no stupid for anyone else to notice.

There are some writers who believe they can get away with shoddy work, because their readers will never notice. This isn't a case of that. This is a case of the internal voice of unreason trying to sabotage the creation of good fiction. And it works because truepenny is the sort of writer who does respect her readers.

I'm pretty sure papersky was making a joke (she's a writer; she knows how tough this can be). I say that to prove I am, myself, not totally humorless. Still, more pep talk! Pep! Pep!

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I just finished Corambis last night. Every couple of chapters or so I would have to put the book down to bristle indignantly at a publisher who drops the second book of a series out of print before the final book is out, and then cites poor sales as a reason to not pick up any more of the author's work. For my own selfish part, I am so very glad I bought Melusine when it came out so that I was with the series as it was published, and didn't have to deal with the stonewalling.

We're inextricably tied up in the name we use daily. And we are also tied up in the stories we create. It would be very, very difficult for me to believe that my sales were not my writing's value, which was in turn not my own value. Logic, it does not work so much in a situation like this.

We have faith in your stories.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Do say how the bread pans work. I've had trouble with the finish on metal ones, and I don't always want glass for the kind of crust I want, so those look promising.

I have the "stupid stories" problem sometimes as well. I feel I ought to be immune due to the number of stories I've published, but in fact the one I'm writing at any given moment is clearly not any of the ones I've already written, sort of by definition. Hang in there.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

Dear Mole,

Your stories are not stupid. I know this, because I have read some stupid stories and trust me, there is no comparison.

Here, look at the heraldic porcupine (http://www.raingod.com/angus/Gallery/Photos/Europe/France/Centre/images/BloisPorcupine01.jpg) at Blois.

[stotangirl.livejournal.com]

I read a lot, and you're the best writer I've found in the past five years (or so, because I can't remember when exactly I found your books). Your books are literally written so well, and then your stories are just wildly entertaining, too, so they make my brain work but it feels good.

I'm sure that doesn't turn off the little voice in your head, but I wanted to say it. I love your work, and I'll track it down no matter what name it's under.

[heresluck]

I know this feeling so well -- in other contexts than the writing of fiction, obviously -- and I was sitting here trying to figure out how we get through it, when we do. (Because we do.)

And -- honestly, the only thing I can come up with is at that some point we shrug and say "Fuck it, I'm doing this anyway, even if it's stupid, because I just want to, so there." We've talked about this before, right? About how there are only a few things in this world about which I can say that I love doing them as much as I love having done them. And that's the thing I have to remember when my brain gets recalcitrant. (And I've seen you like that, too, when you're writing and it's all humming along, or when it's NOT all humming along but you've found an interesting problem to solve. You love this, remember? The characters, the worlds. Even, sometimes, the process of figuring out the stories that go with them.)

There's no reasoning about feelings; logic doesn't work. So at some point we just have to give both logic and the feelings the finger. (I do love the thought of fighting irrationality with immaturity.)

In conclusion: here, have a pummelo.

[coffeeem.livejournal.com]

Excellent advice. And I also get a kick out of the idea of fighting irrationality with immaturity. *g*

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

I don't know if your brain will buy it, but the name change is just about gaming the retailer's computers, after all. It's not actually about you at all.

In any case, hang in there. Suppress that inner voice -- the full burlap sack and sit on it treatment.

Write more SOON please

[(Anonymous)]

Please tell the "stupid" voice in your head to get out of the way of more books. Thank you. Really you are one of the best, maybe the very best, writer I have read in the last couple of years. I have been a reader for 50+ years and my standards are very high. I eagerly await your next books.

[animeserena.livejournal.com]

Sarah:
I think everyone has that voice at one point in there lives (or if you're like me, all the time). I treat it like a boggart, and laugh at it (excuse the Harry Potter reference), and eventually it shuts up. How about doing something you know you do well to help you boost your confidence? Or if that doesn't work, every time that voice pipes up imagine gagging it, tying it up and throwing it off of a cliff ^.^

And about your stories, the DoL series is addicting. I can't stop reading it, and no matter how many times I read it, Mildmay never fails to make me laugh. The DoL series make me feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coster.

The part of Sarah's brain that keeps trying to undermine her confidence:
Shut the hell up. *pushes voice into the Sim* Hmm... I wonder if it can swim?

[comrade-cat.livejournal.com]

Your career isn't fucked up. The publishing industry & chain buyers are fucked up. Barbara Hambly is an utterly awesome fantasy author, & after her fame in the 80s & 90s nobody would publish her fantasy for ages & she's got a mystery published under a pseudonym.

*I* think your stories are awesome.

[cassandraterra.livejournal.com]

*hugs and sends you brownies*

[dsgood.livejournal.com]

"O, where are you going?" said Reeler to Writher.
"To Tor Books," said Fainting in Coils.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry. That's horribly painful.

[darkmagess.livejournal.com]

I've only recently started following your journal, so I'm unfamiliar with what happened with Ace or why you have to publish under a new name. That sounds like a recipe for me missing out on something I'd love because I didn't know it was yours.

I have yet to read anything of yours that I didn't think was fabulous. Doctrine is my default example not only for how write with amazing voice, but how to create a natural, organic, but wholly new slang language that is nevertheless completely comprehensible. That's a stunning thing. And reading those books altered my speech patterns for days afterward.

You know how Subterranean publishes expensive versions of books so you can keep them as collector's editions? I'd buy Melusine that way.

[gwendolynflight.livejournal.com]

My advisor told me that men tend to get published more often because when they get a rejection, they say 'those assholes!' and send the manuscript to someone else, and women say 'what have I done?' and don't. He was generalizing from a sociological study on the subject, but did state explicitly that in some ways, it was better to act like an ego-centric asshole yourself ... when it comes to publishing. Have faith in yourself, and try not to internalize rejection - even though apparently we were trained to by society. Damn society ...

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

I would love to give you a hug. But since I'm in Washington and you're in Wisconsin.... Well, can I give you one at Wiscon?

It would be really difficult for me, that name change thing. So I can really sympathize. Though remember I did tell you, that your new name was really great and my mental image for it was you combined with a Gibson Girl. (It was Katherine Addison, right?)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

MKK

[pameladean]

Owwww. I'm so sorry.

Your stories are not stupid. I love them madly.

Publishing is stupid, however.

P.

[http://www.google.com/profiles/keyboardandcouch (from livejournal.com)]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
I love your writing and hope that you feel better about it soon.

[vidavluz.livejournal.com]

I love your stories, and your novels. I reread them all the time.

[warriorofworry.livejournal.com]

No, no, it's just a NotGoodNufBrainFart!: it's biological. Happens to all of us. Ignore it. Because those of the civilized world who have had the pleasure of reading your work disagree.

[smills47.livejournal.com]

Please don't doubt your gift.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

I think Ace are idiots for dropping you, and I am looking forward to reading what you write for Tor.

[alicats245.livejournal.com]

I wish my stories were as 'stupid' as yours.

The best way I found to deal with an injured muse is to write anyway. Is there something you'd rather be doing?

[minerva710.livejournal.com]

I know it must really get you down, but I hope you get past it- you wrote my favorite ever (so far) series and I'm eager to get your new project! I'd give you a hug if you were handy and it didn't seem awkward.

I'm extra sad about not getting the Year's Best Fantasy and Horror anymore- they made Melusine sound so awesome I bought it in hardcover, and it's the best book recommendation I ever got.

So tell your brain it better shut up and behave or there's a Q-Tip with its name on it.

[ah-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've come down with a case of "it's so stupid" (not the least because I will promptly devour any new writing you can favour us with :D), but it's very reassuring to hear that it can also happen to a pro!